The longer I’m a Heathen, the more I find myself thinking of the gods as independently self-conscious beings who act of their own accord. Basically, the longer I’m at this, the more I become a hard polytheist.
Maybe this is just force of habit. In practice, I tend to pray to the gods and give offerings and sometimes (rarely) ask for their help. Strange behaviour for someone who thinks that the gods don’t really take interest in little old me; that they’re only around because Wyrd stuck me in their paths. But this is how I tend to treat them because in practice the nuances of belief get glossed over. A blót goes like a blót no matter if you’re a hard polytheist or an atheist.
Or maybe my change of godview is because my experience of the gods has also changed. I observed that when I prayed to Baldr for help, I was helped, I believe by Baldr (I did some checks). This could be because Baldr heard me and kindly dropped by, which is what I tend to believe nowadays. It could also be that I simply was able to contact him then because he happened to be nearby when I needed him. Or it could be that I needed some help and my own mind invented the signs and the feelings. But I don’t like that last possibility so much. Go figure.
The thing is, in this new field of belief, I run into a lot of theological questions and problems. My biggest problem is believing that the gods are personal, that they care about us as individuals. This wasn’t a problem in my previous godview ( :we share this world with the gods and sometimes we run into each other).
But a new thought just occurred to me. Why shouldn’t gods take personal interest in us? Of course they’re big and old and they’ve seen and understood more than we can even dream of, but we do exist in the same world after all. They live here like we do.
My experiences turn over in my mind and I constantly question the nature of the divine.