I haven’t been writing here nearly as often, and this is indicative of wider trends. Sometimes I wonder if a thriving religious life is compatible with a thriving personal and secular life. And I’m really not sure nowadays.
I’ve been living out of a backpack for the past year, always on the train between my place and my partner’s place, which means never getting into a routine and having less time to myself than I’ve been used to. When I did have a kind of routine, I would take time fairly regularly to sit at my shrine and do offerings and just talk to my gods. Nowadays…I haven’t sat at the shrine for months. I haven’t had a real connection for months. I’ve felt disconnected and far away from my gods. And this is my fault.
I’ve been spending most of my energy on the things that are going on in my life at the moment: finding a place to live with my partner, finding a job, working out what I’m going to study next year. And I’ve been spending most of my affection on my partner.
When I was single, I would spend that sort of love-energy on my gods. Now, I have a person that I love. Do I love my Gods any less? No. They’re just claiming less of my time. And I miss them. I do. I haven’t meditated recently. I haven’t discussed my concerns in front of them. I haven’t truly faced my fears and anxieties, which I have to do (I can just feel it – sometimes you gotta break down into tears in front of your gods and let them be the only complete thing in your mind).
I haven’t been religious.
I really miss it. I miss that connection, that profundity, that feeling of growth. I’ve noticed myself becoming less conscientious and aware of the things around me, which I know is a result of not meditating and contemplating the world around me.
How do I regain this balance between the religious and the mundane? Carve out time for my gods, first of all. Set aside a time to meditate and reflect and connect with them. And I need to create my own space. This will happen soon – I’m moving in with my partner and I’m planning on setting up an altar in our new home. I don’t know where. Hopefully somewhere I can fall into pieces on the floor and just lose my shit.
My religion is, strangely enough, one of my passions. I need to start nourishing it again.